Wherefore Didst Thou Doubt
by KatRoyal
Summary: Susan Pevensie finds herself drawn back to the one she had long forsaken.


**Alright, this is my first try at a Susan fanfiction. I almost ended up calling it Second Chance/s or Redemption but I figured those names had been used before and I wanted a kind of original title, so 'Wherefore Didst Thou Doubt' is what I came up with and after you read this story I think you'll understand why I decided on that.**

**Even if you don't like Susan I definitely think you should read this, because she's not my favorite either, however, I had this idea and had to go with it. **

**Thanks for reading by the way! :)**

~X~X~

_**Wherefore Didst Thou Doubt**_

The woman she saw in the mirror was nearly the same. _Nearly, _she thought. _But not quite. _She reached and dabbed a little more red stain on her lips. After she'd finished, she leaned back to survey her work.

Her hair was coifed into an elaborate display of curls. Her cheeks were a rosy pink and her skin delightfully flawless with the barest hint of color. Her lips a bright red, that would shock her mother if she saw. Susan had never cared before then, but tonight she didn't feel right. Something felt plainly wrong.

_Now what's wrong with me? _She wondered to herself.

She ignored the strange feeling and stood from her vanity to smooth her new red gown, trimmed around its neck and hemline with fine gold and black thread. _The highest quality, _she smiled at her reflection. She thought she looked perfectly delightful and she thought Michael would think so too.

_Michael. _Her latest beau, a handsome man to be sure, but Susan already knew that he spent entirely too much time on his looks and ladies aside from anything else, so she didn't expect their relationship to last much longer. At first she'd been a bit upset, as she always was when it happened, but tonight she couldn't find the will to care anymore.

At the moment she would have told him that herself, except that he was late.

One quick glance at the clock revealed that more time than she thought had passed; the dance would be just starting.

She frowned quietly to herself. _Should I wait any longer? _She answered her question quickly and went to snatch the long, black and fur lined coat. It was her warmest one, though she regretted wearing it at all. It had been a gift from Charles. Another past beau that she had no inclination to remember.

She wrapped the coat about her shoulders and went out the door of her room, located in her parent's house in the very heart of England. Her parents were gone, out dancing as Susan was supposed to be or she knew they wouldn't have left her this night, only hours away from a brand new year.

She was out the door and onto the cold, bustling with people, street, in moments and she welcomed the chill air to her powdered cheeks.

She knew the dance was very near her parent's house so she didn't bother with trying to get a carriage to take her there. She walked quickly, letting her skirt flounce about her ankles, but never letting them show. It was a trick she'd learned years before, one that she didn't care for tonight, so she stopped the purposeful movement and slowed her brisk pace.

_It doesn't matter if I miss this dance anyway; it's the same as the last dozen I've been too surely. _

Her thoughts were silent as she listened to the click click of her stylishly heeled boots. She found that she didn't enjoy the silence right then and started humming a song. It was precious moments later that she paused her walking and wondered what song she was humming so readily.

_It's something I've heard before. _

Susan thought terribly hard about it, walking on in a distracted manner as she tried to figure it out. _Something from my childhood. _She became certain.

And then she knew.

_It's a Christmas Carol! _One she hadn't sung for years. _Lucy's favorite Christmas carol. 'Silent Night.' _The thought, oddly enough, made her smile. Her sister had left on a train today for their Aunt and Uncles house, as had Peter and Edmund. While she, herself, had chosen to stay and keep her engagement with Michael.

_Which couldn't even bother to show. _It was a rather cynical thought, not completely unusual for her, but strange on a night that was supposed to be so happy, cheerful. After all it was the end of an old year and a new beginning to a new year. What was there to be peevish about?

Susan shook these thoughts from her seemingly perfect head and thought about Lucy's favorite Christmas Carol.

_Silent Night, Holy Night. _

_All is bright… no, that's not right! _She told herself.

_All is calm, all is bright… Yes, that's it! _She exclaimed a bit excitedly, she wasn't even quite sure why. Even as hard as she thought though, she couldn't seem to remember any more of it. She wanted to though.

It was like that of an itch, she couldn't scratch it and therefore it wasn't going away.

_It was a strange thing really, what happened next._ Susan always thought years later.

She heard voices, and quickly became aware of singing. _Carolers! _She exclaimed in surprise. Christmas had been over a few days now, but some people still gathered to spread joy to the hearers even though Christmas day was already over.

The singing changed almost instantaneously to her ears, becoming softer with a more rich quality and a woman and man took turns singing sweetly.

**_Silent Night, Holy Night… **_

Susan bounded forward, unsure why she was suddenly so interested in this song. Even if it was her baby sister's favorite. For some reason though, she _had _to hear this song.

She flew around the edge of a store and was upon the small group of young men and women. They did not notice her; however Susan could not keep her eyes or ears from watching and catching each word.

** _All is calm, all is bright…_

_Round yon Virgin Mother and child…_

_Holy infant, so tender and mild…_

_Sleep in Heavenly peace…**_

She drew ever closer, eyes wide in awe at the song. She didn't understand though. _What does it mean exactly? _It's meaning escaped her, thought she felt sure that once, when she was younger she'd understood perfectly.

_I was a child then. _A patronizing little voice said to her, it made her hesitate and she was already turning to leave the carolers and their sweet music when the next lines stopped her.

**_Silent night, Holy night…_

_Shepherds quake at the sight…_

_Glories stream from Heaven afar, _

_Heavenly hosts sing "Alleluia",_

_Christ the Savior is born!**_

_Christ the Savior? _Susan wondered; it was coming back to her. _Ah! The Christmas story! About the child. _She still wasn't sure she understood though, a small part of her memory was blank, like she'd purposefully suppressed that particular memory from her mind. And perhaps she had.

**_Silent night, Holy night…_

_Son of God, love's pure light,_

_Radiance beams from thy Holy face,_

_With the dawn of redeeming grace,_

_Jesus, Lord at Thy birth! **_

_Jesus? _Susan pondered the name. _Jesus. _It was a name she hadn't bothered to speak or even think for years. _Why did I never? _She began to ask herself. _What reason did or do I have? _She had no answer for these sorts of questions and they made her feel uneasy, vexed. She just didn't get why.

The carolers were moving on to the next house now and she didn't follow.

"What am I even doing?" She asked herself out loud. She was many blocks from her home in the freezing cold chasing after a whimsical memory. She must be addled.

"Susan! Susan!" A voice called, making her swing around, her gown slapping against her ankles, she hadn't even noticed she'd gotten her hem wet in the melted snow of early in the day.

Her eyes spotted a maid from her parent's house running breathlessly at her and slipping to a stop in front of her, nearly colliding. Susan reached to catch the girl by the arm and help steady her.

"What's the matter Danielle?" She questioned stiffly, as a mistress speaks to those lower than her. Susan regretted her tone at that moment.

The poor girl was in tears and gasping for breath. "I- I must tell you something My Lady." The girl didn't call her Susan again, taking Susan's obvious hint from her sharp tone.

Susan made a point to ease her tone for the girl's sake, that and she felt odd again. Like something was wrong, terribly wrong.

"I-" Danielle was trembling with cold, she had been in such a haste to get to Susan, she'd forgotten to get a wrap.

Susan, seeing this, slipped out of the coat she'd worn and wrapped it around the girl. It was a queer gesture for her, but she didn't mind so much.

"Danielle? Get your breath for a moment and then tell me, whatever news you have can most certainly wait." She offered.

"But- but it can't!" The girl wailed. "You see there's been a crash. The train-"

Susan didn't hear anything more, her chest tightened and she fought away dizziness as she couldn't quite draw a breath. Her dress seemed too tight.

"My lady? Susan?" Danielle had her arm and was shaking her rather roughly. "Please, I did not mean to-"

Susan stopped her protest with a wave of her hand, finding in the back of her mind a small ounce of hope. "Are-" Her voice trembled and she sounded nothing of the cool, confident young woman she normally was. "Are they alright?"

Tears slipped over Danielle's eyelids slowly and she couldn't find any words, so she simply shook her head at Susan.

_No. _Susan's eyes closed against the dizzy feeling this time and tears burned at her throat and eyes. "No." She whispered. "It cannot be."

"I- I am so sorry." Danielle choked on her words and Susan wrapped her arms around the girl in a comforting hug. Danielle did the same for her, but Susan didn't cry, didn't let one tear slide down her cheek.

She walked Danielle back to her parent's home and then said she was going for a walk. Her chest hurt, her heart hurt.

_Why didn't I hug any of them or tell them goodbye? _

Still she did not cry. She hadn't cried in years, not since…_I don't know. _She could not remember the last time she'd cried.

_When did I become so unsympathetic? Aloof. Uncaring. _These words and more came to mind for herself and she shoved them away viciously.

_You're being ridiculous Su. You've nothing to regret. _But by now, even she couldn't find truth in those words. She regretted a lot of things. She regretted not hugging her sister and brother's. Telling them that she loved them.

_And now their dead. _I voice mocked and tears stung at her eyes again.

There was something else she regretted too. _I regret telling Lucy that when we were younger we were playing a silly game. _A silly game. That's what she always called it. But what if in the midst of all that playing, there had been some truth?

_What truth? _

Susan's wanderings took her to the most unlikely place. She glanced up to make sure she was not mistaken. She was standing on the high stone steps of the Church.

_What am I doing? _She asked herself. Ignoring her own question to swiftly pull her skirts up out of the way and walk to the top of the steps, hesitating right at the church's open door.

**_ Son of God, love's pure light,_

_Radiance beams from thy Holy face,_

_With the dawn of redeeming grace,_

_Jesus, Lord at Thy birth!**_

That's what Lucy's Christmas carol had said.

_Redeeming grace? _She pondered. She wavered before the door of the church still, finally putting a foot over slowly and the rest of her body followed.

Her eyes rove over the high ceiling, the stained glass windows depicting images of pieces of stories. Stories Susan didn't know, but sorely wanted to all of a sudden.

Her eyes went on to see the podium where the preacher would stand and tell those stories. She went on to see the great cross behind this podium and the man who hung there. Beside this was a scene of a mother, a father and a child. The child was lying in a bed of hay and there were angels round about the three.

"What is this?" She asked out loud and a voice behind her said.

"Christ's birth do you mean?"

Susan spun around and saw a young man sitting on the edge of a church pew.

"I-" She tried to think. "I suppose so."

The young man had rather large blue eyes; it made it hard for her to think. His smile was friendly and a bit confused perhaps.

"What is it you'd like to know?" He asked gently.

Susan met his eyes, but shook her head. She really had no idea.

The young man's head tilted lightly and he smiled again. "Here, I think I may have something for you." Before Susan could say anything, the young man was crossing the church's aisle and he picked up a book. Moments later he was back, this time by her side and he held it out to her.

She stared at it, almost in a way that would make one wonder if she thought it was going to bite. She finally composed herself to enough to say. "I wouldn't know what to look for."

The young man reached and grasped her hand suddenly, "Here, I'll read something to you, if you don't mind."

"Not at all." She flushed lightly and let him pull her down beside him on one of the cushioned pews.

"Alright," The young man opened the Holy Bible Susan saw and flipped pages gently, in a reverent way. "You were looking at the nativity scene?" He didn't wait for an answer before turning the Bible's pages to a certain Chapter. Luke, she saw.

"May I see that?" She asked, suddenly having the urge to read these words for herself.

"Of course," He placed the Bible in her hands before standing. "I'll be back in a moment, if you have any questions, feel free to ask."

She didn't reply; she was too busy staring down at the book in her open palms. It was strange and familiar at the same time. It reminded her of a long time ago, of Lucy and their brothers in a land that could only be reached if they were chosen.

The words were a little familiar as she read.

** **And it came to pass in those days**, **that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.**

**(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria) **

**And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.**

**And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David: )**

**To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. **

**And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.**

**And she brought forth her first-born son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. **

**And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. **

**And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. **

**And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. **

**For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.**

**And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. **

**And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,**

**Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.**

**And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. **

**And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. **

**And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. **

**And all they that heard **_**it **_**wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. **

**But Mary kept all these things, and pondered **_**them **_**in her heart.**

**And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them. ~Luke 2:1-20~ ****

_Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord._ Susan started to ponder these words. "A Savior?" She asked no one aloud.

Something about that rang true in her head and she remembered Aslan, something Lucy had once said. _She said that we must find him as he is here, in our world. Come to know Him. _It was the first time she had admitted that there'd ever been a Narnia in a long, long time.

Susan carefully closed the book and held it to her chest as she stood and walked slowly back to the front of the church. She wasn't sure why she wandered back there, but the cross caught her eye again and the man that hung there.

She glanced back to the book in her hands and opened it, flipping back to the book of Luke; she flipped slowly through pages, looking for _something. _

Some would have called it coincidence, but Susan would thereafter refer to it as a miracle. Her eyes found Chapter twenty three in Luke.

**** And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left.**

**Then said Jesus, **_**Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do**_**… Luke 23: 33-34****

Something wet was on Susan's face and she brought a hand up to touch her cheek, it was damp. _What is this? _She hadn't cried in so long, surely this wasn't tears upon her cheeks.

She closed her eyes against the tears, not wanting to let them go, not now. Sorely afraid that if she let herself cry she wouldn't be able to stop the tears.

_Open your eyes. _Startled, Susan did just that and gazed at the cross. Seeing it made her feel strange, like she was only just beginning something, uncovering a part of herself that she had let rule herself and her actions for far too long.

_Just walk away. _A voice told her, _this is nothing, you've done nothing wrong. _Startled again, Susan's hand opened and the Bible fell from her hand, sliding across the floor a few feet before stopping, pages wide open.

Susan took a step back away from it. Scared, fearful of what this meant. What it was doing to her.

Several more steps back and suddenly she found that she couldn't take another back. Couldn't take her eyes off the man who hung on that cross.

_What have I done? _She asked herself, arrogance, conceited thoughts clouding her vision. Tears still dripped down her cheeks, and she fought them, swiping at her skin and covering her eyes so she didn't have to look at the man.

_The man who gave his life for me. _Susan's heart was rending with pain and she found herself being drawn to the open Bible on the floor. She dropped to her knees before it and leaned, reaching fingers forward to touch it, drawing back as her fingertips touched it lightly.

Her eyes saw this part of a verse with great anguish.

****O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? Matthew 14: 31) **(It's not the whole verse, just part.)

Susan cried out in grief. _Why did I doubt it? Why did I never believe Lucy or…or Him? I saw it for myself…and I still doubt it. _

Sobs were torn from her body as she tortured herself with these questions. She covered her face with her hands and cried out to someone she'd long ago decided she didn't need. "Father forgive me, I didn't know what I was doing. Oh, Father, forgive me."

She drew a hand away from her wet face and touched the Book before her and pulled it onto her lap. "I don't want to doubt anymore!"

Susan saw Lucy's face, Lucy's sweet, innocent face. Peter's handsome, sometimes prideful face, but always apologetic in the end. Edmund's young, humorous, grin.

She cried harder. "Why? Why- why did I doubt You?" Her trembling fingers touched the Bible's pages and she flipped a few pages back. _I can't find it! What can I do? I don't want to go on without You!_

Her hands stilled on the Bible and her tears dropped onto the page. "I _can't _do this without You! I _can't!" _And then quietly, only a murmur. "I can't."

She looked down between her fingers and read these words.

****Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:**

**Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.** **Matthew 7: 13-14****

"I want to find it." She whispered softly, tears coming slower now. "Will You help me find it?"

She looked up and saw the cross before her again and the man who'd been crucified on it. A fresh wave of tears came and she gasped for breath. "I am so sorry. I- I am sorry for what I did to Lucy and everyone, I- I'm sorry for…_everything _I've done wrong. I only wish for a second chance."

A hand lightly touched her shoulder, but she still jumped. "I'm not sure the second chance you want is the one you need." The light haired young man from earlier knelt beside her. "But if you want to find Him all you have to do is ask. Ask for His forgiveness."

"What if He doesn't want me?" She whispered with great sorrow in her eyes.

The young man, whose name she did not know leaned and whispered into her ear softly. "I want to tell you something." She looked up at him and waited. "He will not deny you. He denies only those who deny Him, for it is their own choice."

_I don't want to deny You anymore Father. _

"How am I to ask forgiveness? I've done- done so many things wrong." She murmured quietly, closing her eyes once more and tilting her face back to the Church's ceiling.

"You've only to ask however you wish. Be humble, truthful about what it is you've done wrong. Ask Him to take away all the sins you have, to create a new and clean heart in you." The man's hand closed over her own and he fell silent.

He was a comfort and she found tears slipping down her cheeks, but not with the grief they'd held before as she prayed.

'_I wish You to take the sins I have away. I- I don't want to live without You anymore. I don't know why Lucy, Peter and Edmund had to be on that train. I don't know why I didn't listen or understand. I just want to know You again, I need to know You. _

_Will you please forgive what I've done? _She opened her eyes and saw the cross again."I am not worthy of You, which is why You died for me. _P_lease forgive me. Help me to understand."

A warmth touched her face and she kept her eyes closed, a gentle smile shining through her tears. Calm released the constricting tightness in her chest and she put her face in her hands again and wept.

This time with joy and peace. "Oh, thank You, thank You!"

It wasn't too much longer that Susan finally looked up to see the young man beside her, to thank him.

She blinked her eyes.

He wasn't there.

She turned in a full circle, looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found.

Susan walked to the door of the Church and peered out the door. She heard a clock chime.

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, _she held her breath and stepped out the Church's door to turn her face towards the sky. _Twelve._

She breathed in a deep breath of cold air. "Thank you." She said, hoping that the man heard wherever he was.

It was a new year and a second chance he'd shown her. She would be forever grateful.

Quietly, she pulled the Church's door closed behind her and started home, for she thought that she'd been gone from everything for far too long.

~X~X~

**All verses are from the King James Version Bible (the only one I use) and if you have any questions, or if you don't understand something…feel free to message me on here. I'll do my best to explain.**

**Also, review and tell me what you think of my first Susan fanfiction please. **

** One more thing...a note from me. I love this verse and I want everyone who reads this fanfiction to see it. **

**~Deuteronomy 31: 6~ "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. **


End file.
